Last night June presented her first Chernobyl-scale meltdown that resulted in her nearly flinging herself off the changing table.
I was changing her diaper. My daughter hates having her diaper changed. She acts like she’s going in for a forced lobotomy every time I lay her on the changing table. Sometimes she fusses a lot, sometimes she whimpers a little, but it’s a protest every time. I tell myself this means potty training will be a breeze; she just doesn’t like people, not even her mom, poking around her diaper area. I get that.
Last night, however, she behaved like I was coming at her with a chain saw and wearing a hockey mask. She thrashed. She screamed. She bucked. She hit — yes, she smacked me in the face a few times. She reared. She twisted so ferociously that at one point I had to pin her down with my forearm while I reached for the diaper. It took 10 minutes of wrangling before I was able to fasten it (sideways).
I’ve never before had to discipline June. Naturally, I give her the usual, “Uh-uh, lets not fling every Kleenex out of the box,” or ”No, sweetie, how about we don’t stick our hand in the garbage” on a daily basis, but that’s not discipline. That’s guidance — creating boundaries.
But last night was different. ”No, June!” I stuck my finger in her face, which of course had the opposite affect of what I’d intended by making her scream and thrash more violently than before. I became frustrated and annoyed. My breath was short. This blows, Daddy can’t get home soon enough. I picked her up, plopped her in her crib, turned out the light and left the room.
Within 3 seconds she stopped screaming. I could hear her sucking her thumb from the other side of the door. All I could think was, am I doing the right thing? What do the books say? Poor kid was strung out — tired and exhausted. I think she needed the “time out,” her first. After a couple of minutes, I went in and picked her up. She was calm. I was calm. We finished putting on her pajamas in silence, then spent the rest of the evening reading together.
This morning, I asked Grandma Nanny if June has been having meltdowns there too. Grandma Nanny nodded her head and said, “Oh yes, lately she’s been pitching a fit because that’s what she sees Jay Lynn and Olive do. June never used to act like that. She was always my good one.”
See, babysitters are sly. They know exactly what to say to gratify a parent’s ego and ascribe blame elsewhere. It’s Jay Lynn and Olive’s fault. My kid is perfect. They’re the troublemakers.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
When my daughter went through that stage, I learned to change the diaper while she was standing up and got her to help. It seemed that “helping” made the big difference. By time she was 18months, she changed her own diaper. It was the funniest thing to watch her lay the diaper flat out on the floor and then sit on it.
I’m going to give that a try! Thanks for the suggestion.
sometimes the time out is just as much for the parent as it is for the child. On the other side of the door you can breathe a sigh of relief and say “what the HEEECK was that?!?!?!?!”
My kiddo is June’s age and has the same issue with diaper changes. Huggies Little Movers slip ons saved my sanity. If she’s wiggling, I pick her up, place her in my lap and slide the diaper up while reiterating the rule “We have to have our diaper on before we play.” I also face her away from me in my lap, so there minimal thrashing from her. I also went and bought a couple of cheap-o toys from the dollar store and put it in a bucket by the changing table. She only get to play with those toys when I change her diaper, so they’re usually interesting enough to keep her quiet and still for 2 minutes. Hang in there!
I raised three children who have grown into incredible adults, one of whom is now a great daddy and making me also a grandmother. You did exactly the right thing. You didn’t tolerate her behavior, you taught her it would have no positive consequences for her and most importantly, when she pushed your buttons you put her in a safe place and walked away until you were both calm. Good job! When she grasps that this tantrum thing isn’t going to be as effective as she thought it would she will stop.
Sometimes even moms need a time out from time to time. You did the right thing, rather than continue the frustration, you put her in a safe spot and walked away from the situation. That makes you a good mama. You’ve had a tough job – being a mom is so hard…being essentially a single mom, while Jake is away, is EXTREMELY difficult. You can tell in the pictures that June is a happy baby and happy baby=good parents. I agree with those that have said options to make the diapers changes quicker/easier…but I think involving her in the process – maybe giving her a task (she gets the diaper and wipes???). Also, we never used a “changing table” – we are the change them on the living room floor type people LOL
Wow. In a moment of such stress, you were able to realize what YOU needed. I applaud you for that. I had to be rescued on occasion before I threw my daughter out the window. You’re doing all right!
And damn that peer influence! My ten year-old comes home from school bobbing her head from side to side, wagging her finger, with her hand on her hip, saying, “I ain’t doin’ dat!” WHAT! EXCUSE ME! Where did you learn that, young lady? Because clearly we don’t use THAT kind of attitude in this house! Nip that one in the bud!
And she’s only 10!
I think it’s awesome she hangs out with kids named Jay lynn and Olive. And her sitter says “pitchin a fit”. And jessie- when future tantrums happen in a public place–just announce to people to step over as she kicks and screams in isle 12..and add that she is very assertive little girl. Smile while saying this. Those time outs really do work great–in my case they were always more for me than my kids though.
Got to keep it real!
According to “Tools for Teaching”, Fred Jones, it takes adrenaline 28 minutes to cycle through the system and stop affecting your thinking. But it takes several minutes to build to ‘peak’ level — when you notice the adrenaline/anger/stress, take a calming breath to short circuit the depth of adrenaline in the cycle, and minimize the affects on your thinking.
That is one reason, maybe, that timeouts about 20 minutes or so are a *lot* more effective than 2-3 minutes.
I like this book. Especially the first third to half can explain a *lot* to experienced and new parents and teachers. You might check for it at the library. (It helped me a bunch with classroom discipline when I did some substitute teaching; and also helped me work my neighbors cows, my pony, and I think my chickens were easier to get along with, too.)
Jessie, sounds like you did the right thing with June. I also think.you have done FANTASTIC while Jake’s been gone. One book published, another on the way. I couldn’t have done it.
P.S.- I loved your snow pic. My family wasn’t able to have Christmas in December. We had chosen this past Sunday. What a nice surprise to have a white Christmas!!
ssie, I don’t think anyone is ever “ready” for the demands of parenting. With me it has always been learn as you go. Now I have a couple of pretty good kids, and like the man said,” 2 outta 5 ain’t bad.” Seriously though the one thing you should always remember is the people who wrote the books on raising children don’t know June as well as you do so take their advice with a little salt. And a shot of tequila and slice of lime if you those handy. The people who popularized “waiting until she’s ready” before toilet training a child had lots of disposible diapers to sell. What would June think of the option of using the potty instead of laying on the changing table?
I had this same thought, if being tended to makes her that overwrought, maybe she’s ready for the next level. But I figured since I don’t have kids, I might ought to keep quiet. Guess I’m not crazy after all.
Ahhh your first, and it sounds like a good one!
Sounds like you did a great job. I haven’t had to ignore a good tanty for a year or so……I just get the sullen looks and eye rolls
You are doing an amazing job single parenting JK. I always knew you’d be good at it even when you didn’t x