I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for the past I don’t know how long trying to come with something remotely interesting and happy to write about and damn if the only thing I can think to write about is the unrelenting grind of life.
As in, Jake is just back from Afghanistan. He’s adapting back to “normal” life amazingly well, but these things — even for exceptionally strong and resilient individuals like Jake — take time to process. All I can give him is space and time and love. And Super Nachos. Lots of Super Nachos.
June is experiencing her own period of adjustment. She’s used to ruling over a kingdom of one. She’s used to being the sole star in mommy’s Milky Way (to use the most tortured, hackneyed analogy I could come up with). She’s not used to sharing mommy. She’s not used to sharing her stuffed animals with a new doggie who rips them to shreds for sport.
As for me, I just wrote a book that basically lays bare every insecurity, hope, fear, regret I’ve ever had and I’m kinda feeling a bit….oh, I don’t know, what is the word….DOH!!!!! YOU IDIOT!!!! I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE IN THE KROGER AGAIN!!!! right about now.
AAAAAAAAnd the flusher on our toilet is broken….the biggest mind flux of them all.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Make a cup of tea and go sit on the porch a spell. Your feelings are probably quite normal. Whole books have been written about the trials of getting back to normal. My husband has gone to the post office; hope my book is in the mail today! I’m sure it is a great read. Make no apologies for writing it as you see it.
Whew. That is life. It is hard and scary, but also full of love and joy.
I have started reading your book and am enjoying it.
I hope your toilet get fixed soon and the grind of life doesn’t get you down too much.
You can “flush” your toilet by pouring water into the bowl.. maybe 1/2-1 gallon from a bucket will cause it to flush..
Oh well maybe someday you can face Kroger’s again but now that toilet is a different matter….
Impermanence is bane and blessing. Husbands leave, families adjust, husbands return, families adjust again. Don’t know why we humans are so resistant to this fundamental fact of change, but we are, foolishly enough.
Do all that you can honestly and gracefully do to make Jake feel welcomed, loved and appreciated for all he does and has done. Give June as much time and attention as you can gracefully gift her to help her through having a new person in her life (how can Jake be anything else to a mind so young, and it’s okay. It will change.)
And find as many ways as possible to nurture yourself as well. Try not to see this time as the chance to get all those postponed projects done. It’s a time for reknitting family connections. Nothing is more important. Look at that to-do list with a fierce editor’s eye, and slash off anything and everything that can wait for next week, next month or next year. Use that time to give extra love and attention to the three most important people in your family — you included!
You lovely people will be fine, because, guess what, it’s all going to change for the better soon.
I don’t have much time to read your book or much of anything for that matter, and when I sit down I normally fall asleep from exhaustion – work, family, daily grind, you know. But I decided to carve out a little time for myself this afternoon to read. I promised myself I’d sit for one chapter of your book, and I didn’t fall asleep (a first for me!) and then I went for a second chapter. When I finally told myself I needed to get some work done, I decided instead to read today’s blog. It’s very strange in this digital age, to know your personal life better than any of my siblings (your book), and to get an idea of what your life is like on a daily basis (your blog). I find that strangely fascinating. I give my family an update of you and your family on a daily or weekly basis. I look forward to taking a minute or two out of my day to read about your happenings in Va and I then think, will I ever meet this woman who I now seem to know so intimately and yet she knows absolutely nothing about me? Weird…
Oh, I always noticed Howard’s almost daily comments on your blog, but haven’t seen any for along while. I hope he’s ok.
It is weird, isn’t it? Too weird. Thanks for taking the time out of your insanely busy day to read a few chapters of my book. That is time you’ll never get back, and I appreciate it! And Howard is still around. He commented on yesterday’s post, I believe.
Well…I can totally relate to the flusher not working – total pain in the ass – no pun intended!
I admit I wondered what life would be like after you put such an honest, personal bit of yourself out there for the world to read. I plan to review it on my blog and it might end up being the most personal thing I put up there. We will see if I can grab your level of bravery and hold on.
But I think Kroger will be fine. And fixing toilet flushers is surprisingly gratifying. Quick and instant gratification.
I think that the toughest thing about you and the rest of the National Guard families is that you don’t have the community support that active duty families do. no Wives Club and such. coming home is about as tough on the family as leaving is. sharing. everything again. on the up side you get to share filling the wood stove too!
I love the fact that you’re keeping in real. Hang in there.
I do have a topic suggestion for you. Unless I missed it (and I don’t see how I could when I check your blog multiple times a day) then you’ve never described the moment when Jake and Solha reunited. I’d be really interested in that. As for laying your soul bare in your book I have only admiration for you. You had the guts to do it. I like to call myself a writer but will probably never be published on a large stage because I lack the courage to go where I need to go internally and show it to the world. You have my respect for that. And finallly, after all of the excitement you’ve just experienced you are bound to go through some kind of funk, stall out, let down or whatever you want to call it. Now you can just concentrate on finding the new normal in your life and shore up your energy for the next round of highs.
I finished your book in just a few days. I couldn’t put it down!
It rocked! Horsewoman totally pissed me off!
I check your website several times a day to see how things are going.I have been through that”funky,depressed, is life ever going to be okay again.”When my daughter got married and moved to California with her husband,my life felt like it was over.Change isn’t always easy and it took a long time to adjust to an empty house,but we eventually figured out a way to make the change work for us.
I just finished a book and ordered yours today on Kindle! Can’t wait to start reading it on my bus ride home today!
Yeah, I’m still around. Still check in every day or two. I too am fascinated with the technology that allows us instant communication. Re adjustment to a life change is difficult. Also its only natural to feel “down” after an “up” like you experienced anticipating the return of Jake, the coming of Solha, the release of your book. Speaking of which, it was great. I stole Penny’s copy and read it in one night:) The intimate disclosure of your thoughts and emotions confers one of my mothers pearls of wisdom. “Once you get past the 1st couple of layers, God made us all pretty much the same”
Best I can tell ya is to just keep up with the grind the best you can. Let go of the stuff you can. Any life change requires a period of adjustment for everyone involved. I understand your grind in a very tiny way. Hubs and I both have summers off, and it takes us a good couple of weeks to get used to co-existing all day long, all summer long, every. single. day. Kid is initially very excited to have us all home at once for about 3 days. Then the novelty wears off and we’re just in eachother’s way for awhile. It will get better. Just keep breathing and moving ahead. And, when in doubt, hit the ‘shine.
Just a thought.
The little one learns from you. You can accept that she feels what she feels, without encouraging her excesses. When the dog tears up the toys, “Oops. That should have been put away. Sorry.” Teach her the relationship between Mom and Dad — by being a wife and mother. Show her Jake’s place in your life, by being a wife and mother. Show Jake where his place is with the two of you, by depending on him to be husband and father.
Plan on long talks about values and changes and beauty with Jake. With the little one, not so much — kids are naturals at games and are massively adept at discerning what the rules are, even if the rules change. The simplest for everyone is to just live as you expect to live from now on. Until the next change, that is.
The goal here is a secure and content shared life. No other success is needed. Well, you do want to check into the modest priced repair kit for the toilet flusher.
Blessed be!
Change can be hard. Beginnings are scary. When the excitement dies down, the adrenaline wears off, it can feel like, I don’t know, overwhelming but kind of empty too. Broken toilets just suck but repair kits are cheap.
Reading the book now, hold your head high in Kroger! At least your not the pioneer lady
“overwhelming but kind of empty too.” you hit the nail on the head.
I had started your book last Tuesday at lunchtime and got through a few chapters. I was expecting to finish it in a day or two, but then the Rich Hole fire broke out. Eight days later I’m not much further in. I did get to read a little bit on Saturday while watching the helicopter do some backfiring, but I left the book in my work truck and I’m sure it smells like a forest fire now. Loving it so far.
I’ve never had to deal with a long separation with Tom like you and Jake. I can only imagine the process of getting back to normal. It’ll come though.
The book is terrific, really. Yes really! And I’m sure the next time you go to Kroger, as always Willie Nelson will tell you “Have a wonderful day.”
this is always the hardest part for me. worse than the leaving, worse than the long absences. you’d think it’d be the other way ’round. if anyone can ever explain why i always just feel like a worthless empty sack of sh-t upon the Big Return, i’d give ‘em a pulitzer.
and this lady describes it all better than i’d ever hope to here:
http://wittylittlesecret.wordpress.com/2012/02/10/shark-infested/
and btw, your book was awesome. stayed up way past my bedtime to read it all in 1 night. thanks.
I am new to reading your blog- found you through your recent magazine piece. I am a reader, and I loved your book. It’s got to be hard to bare it all, and really scary to run into the disciples of Anna Bundance! Good luck with your next chapter in life with your baby, new dog and returned husband.
I feel so deeply for you, and I know this is cold comfort, but it WILL change. My husband’s been home over a year and it’s almost like he never went away. And let me tell you: there were some gnarly fights when he first came home (mostly due to my extreme feelings of abandonment), but now we’re back to our usual convivial selves. We didn’t have our son then, but I can imagine how that would complicate things. Anyways, don’t feel like you have to paint a rosy picture of a reunited family. I don’t think anyone expects that (and if they do they are deluded or have never faced anything half as hard in their lives).
Thank you, Lauren!
I just found out about you in a martha stewart magazine and am pretty danged excited. Will be reading the book shortly! I am in Virginia also, “southside Virginia”, that is and am living rurally also. And my husband is retired Air Force so I know all about deployments, TDY’s, being a single mom for months at a stretch, being the everyone for everybody. And when they first come home it is a HUGE adjustment. You get used to making all the decisions, doing what you what when you want, eating what and when you want,,,,you know! My advice is to give each other space and ease into it. I once had to remind my husband that he is NOT Master Sgt George when he comes home! And when our son was small and Pete came home after months of being gone the poor kid screamed bloody murder…he didn’t even know who his dad was and didn’t wast this stranger anywhere near him. It got better eventually. Well chickie, from one rural Va. farm to another…glad to meet ya! Love the fence and bourbon, have 12 chickens, 3 horses, 4 goats, 3 dogs and one barn cat. Come visit Charlotte County sometime! For all I know, you may be close by!
I just read your book…in one sitting…in 3 hours…I couldn’t put it down, I loved it! I love your realism and your honesty. I had to check out your blog to make sure your husband came home. Thanks for living and writing a real story worth reading…