People think the worst thing about being married to a soldier are the long deployments and threat of death in war.
It’s not. It’s this haircut…
It’s because I want you to step inside my reality and see what I have to look at when Jake comes home from work tonight.
This ginger haired soldier is not Jake, but Jake gave himself this exact haircut last night, retribution, I suspect, for my gentle but repeated recommendation that he trim his scraggly sideburns….a wife’s prerogative, right?
Jake stepped into the bathroom as a normal man and stepped out looking like he’d inserted his head in a pencil sharpener.
“Jake, why is there a coaster on your head?” I asked.
“What?” he said.
Such innocence! Such fine acting! It’s not enough for the man to leave me alone for a year while he goes off to war but then he makes me relive the battle inside my own home, inside my own head. Hold on, I think my PTSD is flaring.
“Why must you wear your hair like that? Why? WHY? There is no Taliban in Virginia.”
“You told me my sideburns were too long.”
“I didn’t tell you to decapitate yourself.”
“What’s wrong with a buzz cut?”
What’s wrong? What’s wrong? THIS is what’s wrong:
It’s not that the buzz cut style itself is so hideous, it’s that the guys who give it to themselves — soldiers — generally have an “all or nothing,” “go-big-or-go-home” approach to life, an outlook that doesn’t lend itself to nuance, careful styling or procreation (if they’re not careful). They attack the clippers like they would an enemy combatant.
In order to do a buzz cut correctly, there should be a gradual tapering of hair from crown to nape. (Did you hear that, Jake? I said GRADUAL TAPERING.)
Good buzz cut…
Still. I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much. Knowing how clipper happy he is, at least Jake didn’t exit the bathroom looking like this: