Jake was recruited as a volunteer parking attendant at the big annual tractor pull, one of the more popular events held over fair weekend. Folks drive in from all over the state to watch souped up tractors and big trucks vie for first place in a big empty field across from the fair grounds.
Jake showed up for work at 8:30 a.m., his skinny white legs protruding from a pair of Dockers shorts (a sight to behold on a man who otherwise lives in Carharrts) and spent the next twelve hours, working more or less by himself, directing motorists where to park their cars and trucks in a field. That may sound like not a terribly excruciating task until you consider the kind of crowd a tractor pull draws (it’s not a rock climbing competition).
By and large (and this is based purely on anecdotal evidence from a volunteer parking attendant), spectators to a tractor pull are not interested in walking. They do not want to park anywhere that requires them to leave their vehicles and stroll the 50 to 100 yards to the competition grounds. Jake said he lost count of the number of drivers who insisted on not only parking as close to the event as possible, but some insisted they had to park on the competition grounds themselves, each hacking up some colorful, curse-laden excuse.
“My cooler is too heavy to carry that far.”
“My foot hurts.”
“I gotta a f–in’ bum knee, man.”
“I have asthma.”
Naturally, the parking area closest to the competition filled up very quickly, forcing everyone else to park further than desired. This, he said, was for many a tragedy beyond description, like being sentenced to a POW camp, and accompanied by much complaining, all directed at Jake who was beginning to wonder why he’d volunteered for this thankless task:
“I wouldnta’ spent so much dough on a ticket if I knew I’d had to walk so f-ing far.”
“Well, this just f-ing sucks.”
“Misty, hold my cigarettes.”
To be fair, some people did have legitimate health concerns. There were a fair number of elderly attendees, pregnant women, men who limped. I’m sure some people really did have asthma. But by and large, Jake said most of the gripers were young, able bodied individuals just too lazy to walk any sort of distance.
Think about that for a minute. We’ve reached a point in our society where the simple act of walking is considered a hindrance, an encumbrance. People have become so accustomed to sitting on their cans all day every day that even the slightest suggestion of physical exertion — walking across a field — is enough to bring them to their knees.
And we wonder why in this great nation of ours 1 in 3 adults and 1 in 6 children are obese .
By the time Jake got home that night, his legs were badly sunburnt and his patience was kaput. He collapsed on the bed murmuring something about how he’d think twice about volunteering for this assignment next year.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Made Afganistan look tame! It’s a shame some people can be so lazy and give the innocent volunteer such a hard time. Next year he should be mounted on a biga** tractor that would back up his authority to tell them where to park. With it he could always “repark” them.
Yeah, interesting crowd. I went to a tractor pull once and knew immediately that it wasn’t for me. I’m sure very nice people go to tractor pulls, but, it was the most, umm, redneck event I’ve ever seen.
I’m guessing that if followed some of these folks home you might find those “brats” you were looking for.
Jesse,
First let me say how much I enjoy your writing! I had planned to attend your book signing in Catonsville, but unfortunately couldn’t make it. However, your book is definitely on my to-read list before summer ends… I discovered your blog a few months ago and try to read it regularly. I haven’t commented until now – usually I’m crunched for time – but reading it often has me laughing out loud.
I just read this and the previous post, plus your beach etiquette piece. The combination of all three topics did have me laughing out loud, but mostly talking back to my laptop in a slightly deranged manner. I live in a beautiful small town on the water on the Eastern Shore. It’s a Mayberry-like place that draws people both locally and from out of state because it’s quiet, charming and very picturesque. We also have a lovely, very small beach which runs along a narrow residential street. There is a parking lot (free) directly across the road from the beach and no parking is allowed anywhere along the road itself, even for residents. The entire beach is a mere 300 feet long and it’s a scant 30 feet from the parking lot to the water’s edge.
Jake’s experience at the tractor pull is exactly what we see here on a regular basis, and becomes worse it seems, with each passing season. Helicopter moms in huge expensive SUVs filled with entitled, less-than-svelte children drive onto the grass to unload them and their belongings. Heaven forbid that the children might have to walk or gasp, carry anything! Kayakers back their vehicles off the road as close as they can get to the water, despite the fact their vehicles are damaging the very fragile “outdoorsy environment” they’ve come to experience.
Any effort on the part of residents to gently or politely point out that driving vehicles, parking, etc. is prohibited on the grass and beach (never mind the GIANT sign right in front of them stating so…) is met with blank stares and or responses similar to the tractor pull attendees. The elderly or disabled visitors, whom it would seem have the most need to bend the rules, appear to have the most regard for both the environment and for others enjoying the area. However, in the case of many of the helicopter moms, the attitude of entitlement combined with the level of vitriol, hostility and profane language in their responses is beyond description. Overall, it’s disheartening at best, truly appalling at its worst. And all in front of the children…
Our saving grace is typically the mid-July arrival of the jellyfish, making swimming a bit dicey. If only jellyfish could direct traffic, too!
Oy. I feel for you up there on the Eastern Shore. The experience with the helicopter moms driving on the grass sounds awful! Thank you for taking the time to comment!
I always feel weird when I go home to Roanoke and see how the people there look. I’m used to military people (reasonably good shape and short hair on guys, lots of tattoos) and I see mullets, obesity, and fashion from 5 years ago.
HOWEVER, if you can get to the Blue Ridge Folk Life Festival (I think it’s in Ferrum?) , the Coon Mule Jumping Contest is SUPER FUN to watch and learn about. Last time I was there, a little tiny kid maybe 6 years old was bossing around this HUGE mule. It was awesome.
So sorry to hear that those Jake encountered were less than cordial to his volunteer post. My husband also was a part of the organization that hosted this event, but at a Board Member capacity. His labor for the day was expected, even into the wee hours of Sunday morning, and frankly I don’t think he would have wanted to be anywhere or doing anything else. My husband also came across some unwilling to follow the parking protocol, but for the most part people respected it. Jake’s help didn’t go unnoticed, he did a fantastic job! I believe I speak for the entire organization in saying, thank you. If it wasn’t for the volunteer’s, this event wouldn’t have been such a success. Hopefully the ground work was placed for this to be an annual event.
How sad that Jake was treated this way after volunteering his time. Tractor pulls must attract a group of people I don’t want to meet. I’ve been to a lot of events that require walking a long way, and I’ve never heard anyone, fat or thin, talk to the parking attendants that way. Now that we are older and more adversely affected when the temperature is in the hundreds, if we don’t think we will be able to safely stand the conditions, we just don’t go!
According to John Tesh’s “Intelligence for Living”, it is standing, walking — being on your legs — that turn off the hormones that direct the body to store fat. The act of walking is nearly as effective as running, and almost as good as just standing there.
Lack of sleep causes us to eat more. One study concludes that 82 minutes of lost sleep will cause eating 500 calories more the following day — about 2 pounds a week of gain. And it may turn out that “proper” sleep times might be on the order of nine to ten hours for adults.
Work at the computer, or other electronic device, tends to stimulate the brain, causing the body to replenish — eat more — because of the increased activity. Because the activity, unlike historical patterns, involves little physical expenditure of energy, the impetus to munch or eat is out of proportion to the actual need for food. Include TV, movies, DVDs, video games, texting, etc. with computers and telephones in the list of spurious hunger generators.
So much of the obesity we are seeing is the decadent abundance of after-dark entertainment and activity, from school functions and sports, to movies, late dining, and homework. And hanging out, partying, and other routine social events.
As for the young people not wanting to walk, that is something we as adults and as a society have to take responsibility for. We taught them to look for the spot closest to the door, to consider parking closely to be a significant ego and social cache. To be angry at having to park a ways away, and walk to a function. Or to leave the car at home when going more than half a block (I work at WalMart, and walk about two blocks from the garden center to the break room for a 15 minute break, every two hours. That was a change, for me, when I started.)
In my small northern Oklahoma town I see people walking every day. By far the largest majority, outside, are walking to or from their car.
And don’t overlook the lesson that disabled vehicle passes on cars teach their community and young people. Getting a tag to use disabled parking spots on a car is frequently interpreted as “Take Mom’s car so we can park close.” Even if Mom isn’t going to be in the vehicle.
Start building stores and churches, deliberately, of a size to serve those within walking distance, and with parking lots appropriate to a mostly pedestrian clientele. Otherwise we teach ourselves and our youth that walking is a sign of social disability and shame.
At least Jake didn’t pull the stunt Steve Gutenberg opened the first Police Academy movie with — jamming one car on top of a couple others, “It fits!”
And don’t forget about the pesticide-treated, chemical laden, mono-culturally produced, nutrient poor processed food that we eat as a contributing factor to obesity.
“Misty hold my cigarettes” freaking brilliant. Lazy lazy lazy bones.
I have seen those helicopter parents idling in their giant SUVs too. when I moved to a nice new townhome development, I couldn’t figure out why these giant cars kept parking immediately behind a stop sign leading into our development. it is illegal to park that close to a stop sign, for one thing, and it made it hard for me to drive out of the complex (narrow streets). one day I figured it out as I drove by as the bus came and dropped off the kids, all of 7 ft away from the idling SUVs. I couldn’t believe the parents didn’t let the kids walk home from the bus. it would’ve been on nice new sidewalks winding thru our subdivision, with no thru roads and hardly any cars driving by. u couldn’t ask for a much safer walking environment.
and it still cracks me up seeing how many times cars will drive around grocery store parking lots to get “the best” spot, maybe 15 feet closer to the door than the spots they keep driving by!
and its awful that those ppl would drive up on the beach and on the park’s manicured grass
Wow…and to think whenever WE go somewhere we park in the spot the absolute FURTHEST away from anywhere/anything/anyone because I’m so sick and tired of coming out to find door dings, scrapes and dents in my car from some MORON who has no respect! I’m rapidly losing my faith in humanity these days.
Wendy,
Reading Dickens, Shakespeare, and the Bible, I suspect that people really aren’t worse than they ever were. I think that as we get older, we become more aware of how individuals make up a community — and the impacts of individual action on our families and communities, and our nation.
We learn to see risks that were mere “stuff happens” when we were younger, and we learn to protect a wider sphere of what is “my responsibility”. And thus we see harm from the actions of others we hadn’t learned to notice, earlier.
From a personal perspective, I don’t think it will get any better, for me, anyway. But from a community and family perspective, I think experience and embracing a wider understanding of responsibility strengthens our cultures and society.
My husband is a game warden in Idaho and comes home every day of hunting season complaining about the same stuff! People too lazy to hike up hillsides so they tear up the land on their atvs. It is absolutely ruining our public resource (but that’s a separate rant). They want to drive right up to a herd and shoot them, so they don’t have to carry the meat or walk at all. Needless to say, these people are never successful and are also the most outspoken, blaming the wolves or poor management. Some people in rural America really need an education on how the rest of the world works. I feel the ones that appreciate the long walks in open space are the ones who have felt the confinement of lives elsewhere.
Those people on ATVs also make it impossible for others to enjoy the peace and quiet of public lands.
Lol. I can feel for your husband. I work in a casino that caters to a large crowd of lazy people. Any day of the week you can watch multiple people as they walk in and check out public wheel chairs, and drag themselevs around to the machines. They get so updet when they have to walk themselves to a drink machine, or bathroom, or around the buffet.