The 7 dumbest things I thought before I had a kid

by Jessie K on September 10, 2012

Long before I became a parent, I remember standing on line at a grocery store watching in horror as some harried mom tore open a package of processed cheese crackers and thrust them at her screeching toddler in an attempt to get him to quiet down. She looked stressed and miserable. He looked smug and victorious, a fresh ring of orange cheese dust around his mouth.  I remember thinking, Wow, that will never be me when I have kids. I will never raise a brat. I will never pacify my child with food and I will never, ever, ever do it with food that is processed.

Hear that sound? It’s the sound of the universe laughing.

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Meaghan September 10, 2012 at 11:09 pm


If we had a dvr, I would record an episode of Wheel and keep it on standby for mega meltdowns. I have considered searching Amazon for a complete season of Wheel. True story.

Lindsay September 11, 2012 at 8:42 am



Sarina September 11, 2012 at 10:19 am


Pacify with food.. generally, if the problem is hunger.. kids have a seriously short fuse of dealing with that. That is probably one of the most crystalized memories I have as a child… hunger.

As an army brat, we moved quite a bit. I seem to remember that during one such move.. I must have been about 6 or so.. we arrived at the hotel room. Mom put on the tv for us so she could rest. It was a Batman show.. and I was hungry. I whined to go get something to eat.. Mom.. said “just a few minutes while we rest”.. I said “I WANT TO EAT NOW!” and punctuated it with a “POW”.. yes.. I punched my mom while saying the word.. just like they did on TV. That was the end of Batman for me for life! I also supremely remember that I did NOT get to go eat. But I do remember being hungry.. and for a kid it is a now, now now thing.. gotta eat NOW.

I also had a neighbor who had to watch her husband because he would feed the baby all sorts of stuff. We were at one family dinner where he nearly killed the little girl trying to feed her lasagna.. the gooey cheese choked her..

Jessie K September 11, 2012 at 10:30 am


Too funny! (And a little scary about the lasagna!)

sarah September 11, 2012 at 11:35 am


some days i feel like the hypocrite mom who contradicts everything she said she wouldnt do..and other days..sit down, shut up, and just eat it are my mantras..bad? maybe..but do what ya gotta do…and just think moms everywhere are supporting therapists in their kids future when they need to blame you for scarring them :)

Adele DiGirolomo September 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm


I honestly believe having my daughter was the biggest lesson in humility. I used to be “Judger-McJudgerson.” I’m now a mom of a 21 month old and is trying to wean her kid off the boobies with gummy bears. It’s the only thing that doesn’t cause a complete exorcism. You are doing an awesome job!

suz September 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm


That first photo really captures the beatific joy of motherhood and the transcendant beauty of new life.

The list was perfect. I endorse all of it.

Jan September 11, 2012 at 3:18 pm


Ah, yes, isn’t it amazing how much different we think after the arrival of a little one? And what is with Wheel of Fortune calming children? I know many a parent who uses that show as a survival tool!

Meaghan September 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm


My daughter has always been fascinated by circles – tires, ceiling fans, wheelchairs, canning lid rings, you name it. Add in some spinning and bright colors? Baby Hypnosis. Straight up.

Janelle September 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm


As always, you make me laugh out loud.
I just had a single post-menopausal woman, no kids, who was telling me all that parents do wrong! I wanted to slap her!

Jessie K September 12, 2012 at 9:07 am


I used to be that woman! Ignorance is bliss.

Lauren September 11, 2012 at 11:20 pm


How topical! This morning — THIS MORNING — was the first morning I have ever put on the teevee during a meal.

The only things I could hear over the blissful silence were:
1. My son chewing his dang food.
2. The whistling sound that my smug assumptions make as they sail out the window.

We watched Frasier on Netflix. Maybe I should get basic cable for some Wheel action.

JennyDukes September 12, 2012 at 12:21 pm


I think we all still have a bit of “I’m not going to do that parent move” or “be that type of parent” or “have that type of kid”, but we have to give ourselves a break and realize we can’t always be 100% as perfect as we want to be… and neither can our children.

Katrina w September 13, 2012 at 12:37 am


Awesome insight! I too used to think I had parenting all figured out- and then I had kids! Ha…. They teach us that we really didnt know it all, but thank god they’re patient and bear with us while we give it our best shot. I am not at all the strict mother I thought I’d be, it’s funny how we soften around the edges. Love the photo of you & your daughter… I’ve had those moments too & realize it certainly takes a mothers love!

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