Jake and I are attending our first ever ugly Christmas sweater party tomorrow night.
There must be one hundred — or three — similar Christmas parties around town because the Goodwill and other thrift shops are wiped out of hideous, highly flammable holiday attire. I managed to score myself a Goodwill gown worthy of a psychedelic Mrs. Claus but I haven’t been able to find anything appropriately aghast for Jake.
So last night I had to darken the door of Walmart and peruse their ladies XXXL Christmas wear selections. Walmart doesn’t stock any Christmas apparel for men….as if the manly dudes around here don’t want to sport knit vests festooned with bells and sleighs! As if! The cheapest thing I could find was a $5 shirt with Santa’s glittery face on it.
Think about this for a moment. A used shirt from Goodwill costs $3.50. A brand new shirt from Walmart costs $1.5o more. What does this tell you about the state of retail in this country? It tells you that Walmart fashions are on par with Goodwill.
I know I shouldn’t say anything bad about Walmart. They do control the country, write all the laws and dictate what we eat (now watch, a smiley face storm trooper will burst into my office and shoot me in the face with a lethal cheese gun, available on aisle 5), but purchasing an ugly Christmas shirt at Walmart defeats the whole purpose of putting together an ugly outfit for this party! By buying a brand new Goodwill-quality Christmas shirt at Walmart, I closed the circle. I acknowledged there is no break anymore between new and used; it’s all the same stuff. Today’s Walmart merch is tomorrow’s Goodwill finery, only available at Walmart.
Last night I had a nightmare that Kansas didn’t exist anymore. The state had been razed to make way for one big massive Walmart spanning from Colorado to Missouri. You had to drive 400 miles from the deli counter to the automotive section. It had become America’s only store.