The only place left in town to buy an ugly Christmas shirt

by Jessie K on December 14, 2012


Jake and I are attending our first ever ugly Christmas sweater party tomorrow night.

ugly-christmas-sweater-3-resized-600There must be one hundred — or three — similar Christmas parties around town because the Goodwill and other thrift shops are wiped out of hideous, highly flammable holiday attire. I managed to score myself a Goodwill gown worthy of a psychedelic Mrs. Claus but I haven’t been able to find anything appropriately aghast for Jake.

So last night I had to darken the door of Walmart and peruse their ladies XXXL Christmas wear selections. Walmart doesn’t stock any Christmas apparel for men….as if the manly dudes around here don’t want to sport knit vests festooned with bells and sleighs! As if! The cheapest thing I could find was a $5 shirt with Santa’s glittery face on it.

Think about this for a moment. A used shirt from Goodwill costs $3.50. A brand new shirt from Walmart costs $1.5o more. What does this tell you about the state of retail in this country? It tells you that Walmart fashions are on par with Goodwill.

I know I shouldn’t say anything bad about Walmart. They do control the country, write all the laws and dictate what we eat (now watch, a smiley face storm trooper will burst into my office and shoot me in the face with a lethal cheese gun, available on aisle 5), but purchasing an ugly Christmas shirt at Walmart defeats the whole purpose of putting together an ugly outfit for this party!  By buying a brand new Goodwill-quality Christmas shirt at Walmart, I closed the circle. I acknowledged there is no break anymore between new and used; it’s all the same stuff.  Today’s Walmart merch is tomorrow’s Goodwill finery, only available at Walmart.

UglyChristmasSweater-queermeupcomLast night I had a nightmare that Kansas didn’t exist anymore. The state had been razed to make way for one big massive Walmart spanning from Colorado to Missouri. You had to drive 400 miles from the deli counter to the automotive section. It had become America’s only store.

*temp*Merry Walmart.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

sarah saffran December 14, 2012 at 1:28 pm


Apparently there is a high school aged guy who has turned selling these into a legit business. what a strange supply and demand scenario..

Lindsay December 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm


There is a movie where your dream is actually played out: except via costco rather than walmart. It’s called Idiocracy and stars Luke Wilson.

you’re welcome. 😉

Leah December 14, 2012 at 6:27 pm


Idiocracy I’m sure was intended as a comedy. It is too true to be the least bit funny. It is exactly what we are becoming.

Brad K. December 14, 2012 at 4:25 pm


I wouldn’t worry about a state-sized store. The increased cost of energy will prevent people from driving there, as will the increasing costs of credit (as in, credit cards, gas stations buying fuel to have on hand, restaurants and tire dealers buying stock and supplies to be ready to serve, etc.).

The only way school systems today justify consolidating, is by illustrating the wonderful career opportunities that centralized school facilities afford union teachers and administrators. No one talks about the costs to families in time, money, and gas/electricity, of attending school events moved ever further from home, and of interacting with the schools (which the unions don’t need, anyway).

Major sports arenas, big box stores, central airports, these will increasingly face a smaller and smaller public both willing and able to afford a trip to their venue.

Now, if Walmart were to get into stores serving an eight-block radius, then I would imagine the growth possibilities would be pretty good. Seven-11 has lasted a pretty long time, as an expensive convenience store serving a lot of walk in customers.

tara belle December 14, 2012 at 8:26 pm


I think the $1.50 price difference says more about inadequate labour wages than anything else, but maybe I’m only allowed to say that because I’m Canadian.
I also have a deep and resounding love for the Goodwill, so maybe that’s my bias!

kirsten ufkin December 14, 2012 at 10:48 pm


I love secondhand stores and shop at them often. i dont mind “reusing”. what does bother me is that it is cheaper to buy a new computer printer than it is to buy ink cartridges for the one I currently own…..cheaper to buy a new microwave than fix the broken one I have….ect…..

Karen S. December 15, 2012 at 8:49 pm


You are going to post pictures of you both modeling your ugly holiday sweater finds, right? I am reminded of Colin Firth in “Bridget Jones’ Diary” and the reindeer jumper. Somehow he even looked good in that… I’m sure you and Jake will do the same.

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