After years of fueling his body during his physically demanding workdays with nutritional black holes like Pop Tarts and Cheesums Jake has finally concluded that his body performs better when he follows a high protein diet.
This is big news as it suggests he has accepted he is not actually Superman. He is a human being like the rest of us who needs good quality calories to make the train go.
The challenge for Jake is finding high protein foods he can eat while working. It’s not in Jake’s bag of tricks to take a break on the job to do something so tedious like peel a hard boiled egg or eat a tuna sandwich with both hands, which is at least ten minutes of lost productivity.
He’s constantly on the hunt for high protein foods that satisfy his one hand requirement. So I make a lot of venison jerky. I feel better knowing he’s consuming all natural, high protein calories with one hand while splitting boards, changing oil and punching possums with the other. But a man cannot live by venison jerky alone. The other night I saw him try to slip a case of these into the fridge without me noticing:
I try not to get all food cop on him when he brings this sort of weirdness home, but what sort of wife would I be if I didn’t make fun of something called Muscle Milk Contains No Milk? What exactly is “genuine” about a milk product containing no milk?
After pretending I was hunky dory with this stuff contaminating my fridge, I finally broke down the other night and asked, “So….how was the Muscle Milk Contains No Milk? Are your muscles milky yet?”
“It was disgusting,” he said. “I almost threw up. Tasted like Pepto Bismal.”
I can’t imagine! Maybe Jake will deign to peel a hard boiled for lunch one day after all.