My Mom — aka Grandma B — has been visiting for two weeks now and I really love having her around. I will be so sad when she has to go back to Montana.
I envy friends who live close to grandparents. It’s such a blessing. It’s good for the kids, good for parents and grandparents.
As it is, Jake and I are only able to get out West once, maybe twice a year (since when did airfare from rural VA to smalltown MT become as pricey as flying to Timbuktu?) and we all realized that if we don’t get these two together more often, Grandma B will miss out on June’s entire childhood. How depressing is that?
So this year, Mom, who is self employed, rented an apartment here in town (our house is so small) for nearly the full month of January. She is able to pick June up from preschool, take her on walks, to the playground, out for a donut — just hang out with her. It’s been so great and I’m not sure I’ll be able to let Mom get back on the plane. When June has to leave Mom’s apartment, she wails, “Gwamma Beeeeee!”
Now Mom is seriously considering buying property here so she can summer in Montana and winter in Virginia and do business in both. If anyone can make such an arrangement work, it’s my Mom. She’s looked at a few properties so far but hasn’t found the perfect place. I’m keeping my fingers crossed this happens!
How do you handle the grandparent dynamic? Are your parents close? Far away? Are you a grandparent? How do you stay connected?
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I just have to say how much I love the 1st photo. Those 2 beautiful ladies look so much alike!
OK – first things first – the photos… Wow! I see so much of you in your mom. You two really look alike, at least in that first photo. And the one on the dinosaur? Ride ‘em cowboy! That photo is priceless.
Now secondly – this may be a bit forward of me but have you thought of having your mom put a small apartment addition on to your house? (bedroom, bath, kitchenette, living room, separate entrance) When she gets much older and much less spry, it will be better for all of you. Think about it… I certainly don’t know what your family or house situation is but my cousin did it, and it is great for them! We were planning on doing that for my in-laws but unfortunately, they passed away before we had a chance. Before we moved to our farm, our four member family lived in a cozy two bedroom ranch. My parents had to stay at a hotel, which was sad for them (but maybe not so much for me.)
Or a camper:).. they make really nice ones!
Personally I wouldn’t want to live that close to my parents, but relationships between children and parents vary. We live about two hours away from both our parents (the grandparents). I love living close enough to see them often, but far enough away to have our own life away from them. I know that comment seems almost cruel to write, but we’re finding as our children get older it’s important to break away from traditions of our past and start our own family traditions. It feels like cutting the apron strings but on a whole other level and to do this there needs be a bit of separation or space rather from our parents (the grandparents). Of course our parents are always welcome to our home and welcome be involved in our new traditions and children’s lives.
I don’t think you sound cruel, I can’t live near my parents. Not every relationship is a happy one and sometimes knowing our boundaries is crucial to having a relationship at all.
I don’t think Jill was cruel, either; just honest. When we had been married less than two years, we moved a two hour drive away from all the relatives for my husband’s job. We have always loved our independence and privacy. It’s nice having our own schedule and not feeling obligated to be at every single event anyone has.
We always said it’s only two hours, when we want to be together, we can.
But let me warn you–there’s a payback when you get older. There have been periods when a parent was ill that I had to keep driving back and forth on a twisting mountain highway, or stay away from my home for days at a time.
My Mother is 82 now and I know she could really use my help. If I lived in the same town, I’d probably be cleaning my house and hers, too. Right now she is in rehab after a hospital stay and we are making that drive every few days.
I’ve loved our life, but now it is 4o years later. We are all older and in poorer health. Driving is more of a burden. There are times when I realize it would be nice to have relatives just five minutes away to help me, or for me to help them more easily.
That doesn’t mean I’d rather have done it differently. Our home town has grown into a major metropolitan area with horrible traffic and other problems. We hardly recognize it, and we wouldn’t really be happy there. Just know that decisions have consequences.
I live a few towns over from my grand and couldn’t feel any luckier…I can pretty much zip over for hugs and a ‘fix’ at any time. I can only imagine how your mom must feel so I’ll be hoping all her plans come true—especially for June’s sake. (AND yours) It’s a bond that just can’t be adequately described!
Love all the pics, esp the one with Jake and your mom on the dinosaur!
Wow, you don’t have to worry about how you’ll be looking when you get a bit older… just as wonderful as your mom does!
Dear Frederique,
Thanks much for the oh-so-kind words. I have another birthday right around the corner and your comments will make it that much easier!
Sincerely,
Barb
(Jessie’s mom)
I have been called a lot of things during my life but there is nothing quite like being called Grandpa. I know first hand how important it is to spend time with my grandgirl so Jessie, my advice is to do whatever is possible to give all of June’s grandparents time with her – you will never regret it nor will June. Time is a gift like no other.
We are lucky to live a half-hour from my parents and they watch our daughter 3 days a week. We are about 10 hours from my husbands parents, and I daydream of them living close-by so our daughter could be as close with them as she is with my parents. We only get to see them 2-3 times a year and it just doesn’t seem like enough. We hope to send our daughter and any future kiddos down to KY to stay with their grandparents for a few weeks in the summer as soon as they are old enough. I really hope your Mom is able to make it work, having a parent close by and able to spend time with your child is so precious! Good Luck!
My husband and I are the paternal grandparents to beautiful twin girls (three years old in April) and a 7 mo old grandson. The girls were born in Pensacola when my son was in the Navy; at least we were all on the same coast! He left the Navy and got a job as a staff attorney with the FAA in Washington; unfortunately,Washington STATE, not DC. We Skype with them most every week and visit at least twice a year; would probably go more often, except that I have a 95.5 year old Dad in Ct who still lives on his own and I like to on the same coast as he. What your mom wants to do sounds like a great plan; hope it works out for all.
I was a bit worried at first when my parents moved close by. My father and I are often too alike and sometimes butt heads. But it’s been fantastic. They’re very generous with having us over for dinner on the weekend, though not every weekend. Plus they are available to watch the kids when there are night meetings or other commitments. Also, if we have people visiting, if we need extra room they can stay at my parents house. They’re about 15-20 minutes away, so it’s really perfect. And they don’t bother us unnecessarily. Tom’s parents are about 1 3/4 hours away, so we still get to see them fairly frequently, and they drive up sometimes too. we really can’t ask for much better with the grandparents. I hope your mom finds something here. You’ll love it and so will June.
My wonderful grandparents lived in Spain. You would have thought since we didn’t see them often they would have missed out on so much. In reality, they didn’t. We spoke everyday for a few short minutes, visited as often as we could (about once every two or three years) and send many packages both ways. WHen my grandparents passed away, my mom returned to the US with a huge and very heavy suitcase. It was filled with all the photographs and letters that my sisters, mom and I had written over the years. We were never far away from their hearts and thoughts or they ours. My grandparents always knew what we were doing and encouraged us to grow. We knew them and they knew us, better than we ever imagined.
Today, my sister lives in Singapore. We often write, Skype and stalk Facebook to keep up with one another and my niece and nephew. What my grandmother would have done with Skype. She would be amazed!!! : )
Enjoy your mom. I sympathize with your desire to keep her here. I hope she finds a way to make splitting her time work.
What a great story, Martha. Sounds like you have an interesting, peripatetic family!
My mother in law always found it so hard to travel and visit her only child and only 2 grandchildren. Now, as she approches her mid 80′s and my kids are in college she realizes how much she missed. I feel bad, as the grandfather above says, Time is gift like no other. I know my husband and I want to be there for school plays, sporting events and birthdays. We will be happy to arrange our lives to be a blessing to our kids and grandchildren.
Your mother’s joy is evident in the pictures of her with June. We raised our son 12 hours away from his grandparents and were proud of our independence and that we made our own traditions. However, now that we are grandparenting from 10 hours away we are feeling the pain that they must have experienced. With our first granddaughter we made an effort to see her every two months. Now that we have two granddaughters and the oldest one can tell us in no uncertain terms about her feelings when we leave it is very difficult to tell them goodbye. Since it is a grueling drive with two little ones we usually travel to see them. This past summer we bought a second home on the Jackson River (yes, our son lives in Covington) that is 5 minutes by car and 10 minutes on the bike trail from our son. We found this to be the perfect answer since we have our own space and don’t feel so intrusive when we are there. We spent a wonderful three weeks there in December. To survive the time apart I suggest Skype even if your mom just watches June play instead of actually engaging in conversation. I also appreciate DVD’s of the girls and of course lots of other pictures. I know that my life is infinitely richer because of my grandkids and regret that my parents and in-laws missed so much of my son’s childhood. It is a difficult balance. I hope you find something that works for you and your family.
Sounds like you’ve made it work, Annette. I’m hoping your story inspires Grandma B to make a semi-permanent transition as well!
Such beautiful pictures! One can tell your mom is a lovely person.
Well, when my mother (since passed) developed some issues with dementia, we put a place up on our property for her. I know it sounds not nice.. but it was a storage shed that we made into a little efficiency apartment. It was a pretty nice shed..lol. It was one of those you see that have a little porch in a corner.. vinyl sided about 8×20 that came with a divided wall inside that created a small kitchenette area (where the house style door was) big enough to put a little 4 foot counter.. with a bar sink and microwave with cabinets and a 1/2 sized fridge and we tucked a cafe table set in the corner. The other room had a box carved out for a bathroom with a bath and commode. It was big enough for a bed, dresser small chair and ottoman. We insulated it and paneled it and put carpeting in the living area and tile in the kitchen & bath. The only thing it really needed to be more functional would be a closet (we had room.. just didn’t think mymom needed the extra obstruction in the space). For her we put up banister railings around it so she could get around better without having to use her walker (which she refused to use.. so we figured we should build in support!)
Now that she is gone, we use it as a guest cottage.. it heats and cools with portable heaters and AC.. and we can drain the pipes in the winter so it doesn’t freeze.
It is not big, but it would certainly be an option for you especially if you have enough land that you could tuck it away not on top of you at your house. It is nice to have a place to put visitors that isn’t in your home all the time.
It seems Jake is super handy.. so this could be right up his alley to build.. even from scratch. We just started with a premade shed because we were under a time crunch!
But yes.. it was funny to tell people mom lived in a shed in our yard..lol
Sarina, that is awesome helping your mom out like that. And it is becoming the new trend to have these “little houses” actually. You were just on the leading edge! A (very wealthy) friend of mine is building a strawbale home and is using a retrofitted “shipping container” for her family home now (family of 5). Also, yurts seem easy and cheap http://www.blueridgeyurts.com/ as well as those “tiny homes”. Years ago I stayed at a B&B and my suite was an old Airstream all cleaned up. It was amazing! Lots of options like this.
You’re so right. It’s fun to think about.
My son has a brand new huge 4Star horse trailer. It not only carries four horses and all their assorted needs but has a fantastic apartment in the front. The bath includes a shower, it has a big kitchen sink, fridge, convection oven, couch, stereo, satellite tv reception, queen size bed, giant outside awning, etc. When my sister came for his wedding she delighted in telling everyone back home that she was spending the week in his horse trailer. She left out all the details. I’m sure everyone thought we were horrible and she slept in a stock trailer full of cow poo!
Sounds super luxurious!
Wow, that sounds really nice. I love the idea of a guest cottage-slash-writing studio, or whatever. It’s wonderful you were able to provide that for your mom…even if it was a “shed.” Ha ha!
That sounds like a very nice, and more affordable, way to have a “guest” house. Sometimes I think the day might come when my mother will have to sell her home and use part of the money to do something on our land.
Wow, I can relate so much to this post! Having an 18 mo. Old myself, I’ve never wanted my MIL closer! She is just soo good with my daughter and, like you said, it is good for everyone. Alas, she lives across the country and though she visits, FIL is dead set on staying where they have always been. He’s just “too old” to relocate at this point in his life. I love that your mom seems to be so good at independently spending time with June…. That can be such a relief for you. I hope things work out so your mom can be closer!