When an acquaintance asks how you’re doing, what do you typically say? Do you say, “I’m great/fine” even if it’s not always the truth? Or do you take a more honest approach and sum up how you really feel by saying something like, “Fair to crappy, how about you?”
A friend and I got into a discussion over this the other day. She says she prefers the honest (though jokey) approach — why lie through your teeth when you’re not actually having a great day? Responding otherwise is disingenuous, superficial and makes for dull conversation. But she says her “fair to crappys” are typically accompanied by a big, cheese eating grin so the acquaintance knows she’s being sarcastic and they can both share a chuckle over the daily grind of life.
I disagreed with her. I’m not sure an acquaintance — and I’m talking about an acquaintance here, not a close friend — cares about my daily irritations. She’s dealing with the same crap — bills, work issues, people who rub me the wrong way — why does she need a glimpse into the issues that grind my soul into a bloody pulp on a daily basis? When I ask a random person how they’re doing, and they respond negatively — even under a veil of sarcasm — I internally brace myself for an itemization of their boring set backs and pet peeves. Save the drama for yo mama.
Besides, words have a huge impact on how we feel; draggy (sarcastic) words equal draggy (sarcastic) aura. Life is about spin. There’s always something to feel “great” about, even if it’s Season 3 of Downton Abbey or picking up a case of Trader Joe’s Three Buck Chuck for $39 like I did yesterday! I LOVE THE WORLD!
Zeroing in on life’s little “greats” — that scrumptious and delicious cheap case of wine, Lady Mary on Downtown Abbey — opens up a fresh line of conversation beyond the rote response of “work is good, the kids are good, blah, blah, snooze, blah…” acquaintances expect when they ask “how are you?” You actually have something real and interesting to talk about beyond bland pleasantries and lame generalities. It is a parade of good cheer for all.
I realize this is not an either/or issue; responses change depending on the day and the degree of annoyances, but I’ve come around to the “I’m great!!!!!” team, even if it sometimes feels like I’m lying through my teeth. How about you?
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I just answer that I am “still upright and taking nourishment” and it goes from there
I have learned that humor goes a long way in this world.
As for life’s “little greats” – my only granddaughter sitting with me as we visit, laugh, tickle, read, and generally share our love.
I agree with you, Jessie. When people ask how you are, it is usually just an expression of greeting and goodwill. They rally don’t care to hear a tale of woe.
I’ve know people who, on a less than stellar day say “good, I woke up on the right side of the dirt.”
Really. Sigh.
I have to admit, I’m that horrible type of person who will ditch down the laundry isle to avoid running into acquaintances. I’m not good at small talk at all! I get tongue tied and just stand there staring awkwardly and make everyone involved feel uncomfortable. I tend to think that an acquaintance really doesn’t want to know just exactly how I’m doing, or rather I really don’t want to tell an acquaintance exactly how I’m doing. I’m happy with a nice smile and a wave.
I always respond “Adequate, thank you” which always gets laugh and the conversation moves on. I don’t want to hear their crap anymore than they want to hear my crap unless it is a real friend/family member – in which case I want to know!
It depends on my mood and the day.. but I usually just smile and say “good”. Who needs a debbie downer??
I LOVE Mary’s comment on DA when her sister asked..”Do you think we’ll get along better in the future?” (When Sybil died) and she says “I doubt it”! hahaha laugh so hard.. Now THAT is honesty!! (And esp. in a sad situation)
We have a maintenance man who always answers this question with one word “Wonderful”. He is of South American/Hispanic origin.. and he drawls the word out so well!
I agree that “How are you doing” is almost the same thing as “hello” to most people on a casual level.
The only time I take it in a literal way is when talking with a close friend or family member when one of us knows the other is truly going through a difficult time.
Other than that.. I tend to use “great”, “good”, “fine” most of the time. I guess when caught on a super distressing day, “Could be better” might slip out before my mind kicks in.. But generally people are asking out of politeness and out of politeness, we shouldn’t burden acquaintances with the problems in our lives.
We also have a local guy who always, always says, “Wonderful.” when asked “how are you?”. You know where to find him, right? at the Kroger
He’s a pleasant fellow and his name is Willy.
Ha! I know him well.
I save the more honest responses for my actual friends, and spare my acquaintances the drama. I often say “How’s it going,” or “How are you,” in place of “Hello,” and I don’t think that’s unique.
If something really terrible has happened and I can’t fake it, I won’t try. But I think that most people are more understanding of that sort of thing when they’re not dealing with a chronic complainer, you know?
I actually don’t think that people are really interested in how you feel when they ask, “How are you?” It’s more like a longer “Hi” or “Good morning.” I too, say, “I’m great” because even when I’m not 100% I remember that there is so much to be thankful for, and why not feel great about it?
If I am feeling good then i say “fine”. If i am a bit under the weather or a bit cranky I say “Any day above ground is a good day”
Funny!
I used to work with a guy (short order cook, as I recall) who would say, “What’s shakin’, ‘sides the eggs and the bacon?” Think about it as an alternative to – How’s it going? On a related note, as a local, you’ve got to love Willy. He is Wonderful!
I know better, but now and then (just for fun) I will say, “Fair to maudlin, and you?” Willy at Kroger is wonderful, and he is such a hard worker.
Some years back the Japanese made industrial/manufacturing news, with their culture of involvement, shared exercise, etc. We got the cubicle farms and managers without jackets, just-on-time manufacturing, etc.
And to make employees feel they were involved, seminars taught managers and executives to use “How are you?” as a greeting. It was manipulative from the start, false as it could be. The answer was required to be positive, and contributing to increased corporate profits. Any real “involvement” was usually from someone’s ineptness.
I never liked it. I greet people with “Good evening!”, “Good afternoon!”. I give out a cheerful greeting, and ask nothing personal that won’t get a truthful answer. If I get a smile, a wave, even a (bless them) “How you doing?” back, that is OK. My point was to give a greeting, an expression of acknowledgement and best wishes.
Reminds me of my husband’s late uncle, who was a furniture manufacturing executive in VA. He was once bragging about how they were careful to ask the employees how their mother was ding, etc., that “it made them feel good.” (Probably not!)
There was a lot more said, and my husband lost a lot of respect for the man.
I admire you for not wanting to be dishonest with your employees.
If you don’t wanna know… Don’t ask! The ‘how’s it going’ question is a question that I feel we’ve been conditioned to ask. It’s automatic response to seeing someone you know, or bearly know. Keep it genuine folks- brace yourself for truth when asking the How do You do??