“It puts the lotion on the skin.”

We have a dungeon in our house.

I guess it’s technically a cistern. It’s a 15′ by 8′ concrete room once used as a holding tank for water that’s accessible by a trapdoor in the floor of our mud room.  But it looks like a dungeon. It feels like a dungeon. It smells like a dungeon. It reminded me so much of a dungeon that the first time Jake ventured down there (I wouldn’t dare), he couldn’t help but look for scratch marks on the wall, evidence that a prisoner had once attempted crawl out, sort of like that scene in The Silence of the Lambs where the creepy skin sewer lowers Jergens down into the pit commanding the wailing girl to “put the lotion on the skin.”  Yeah, it’s like that.

No scratch marks on the wall.....but that could change if Jake misbehaves and I give him a "time out."

We’ve always known it was there but never thought about using it until Jake and I began to mutate into these insufferable DIY rejects who needed somewhere to store all our home brew, homemade wine, canned goods and raw fruits and vegetables.  The room maintains a stable, moist temperature of roughly 52 degrees, so it’s perfect for storing food and libations for the Armageddon! (C’mon, Armageddon!!! We’re ready for you!!)

While ya'll be working, we be partying, Armaggedon-style.

We bought four commercial-grade, stainless steel 5′ shelving units at a restaurant auction recently for a mere $200 for the purpose of stacking our sustenance in preparation of The Final Days….pretty sweet, eh?  A friend suggested we dub the subterranean space The Grotto, which sounds so fancy and important; if only we weren’t fermenting such abject Nascar swill such as rhubarb, peach and tomato wines. I blame Jake — he’s much more liberal than I am when it comes to defining a “fine wine.”  Though we do have some respectable wines  going, such as reisling, merlot and mead (I only include mead because I just read it’s trendy). The merlot is made from grapes Jake picked himself. So maybe this room will be a grotto yet.

The vintner inspects his vintages. (Looks like he could star in his own Fetzer commercial, doesn't it?)

Four beers we have brewing: Whitey’s Gone Fishing Pale Ale (named after Jake’s grandfather), Grandma’s House Chocolate Mint Stout (for Christmas, natch), Bitching Belgian White and Ginger Beer.

Homebrew. What...you expected an MGD?

Look at the scraggly nest hanging from the ceiling. Oh wait, that’s me.

"Jake, it puts the lotion on the skin.....or else!"

Tagged as: cistern, grotto, home brew, peach wine, rhubarb wine, silence of the lambs