I’m going to share something today that’s been on my mind for awhile.
My motivation for my blog has been slipping lately and I’m not sure what to do about it.
The reason is fairly obvious: I’m home alone with Katie all day (June is at preschool) and Katie is shaping up to be a once a day napper, which means I have 2 to 3 hours tops to get everything done I need to get done in a day: write, blog, household stuff, kid stuff, personal stuff, etc. So by the time I have time to sit down and post, I’m sorta half-assed about it. Both June (nightmares) and Katie (hunger) have been waking up at night so I haven’t been getting much sleep. Nine o’clock rolls around and I’m wiped out. I can barely stay up to watch a movie with Jake (I missed Captain Phillip last night because I was already in bed). Posting these days feels more like an obligation, another daily chore I have to cross off the list, which is not how I like to roll. My blog has been such a wonderful outlet for me — it’s my daily, irreverent writing exercise — that’s led to the publication of two books so far. I have the best readers — you guys helped us bring Solha home! You leave funny, insightful, crazy comments! Some of you have been with me since I started this blog back in February of ’09. (I still remember my first post — it was about canning! Ha!) But I’m not sure the way forward anymore.
How do you know a blog has run it’s course? How do you know it’s time to wrap it up and hang the Final Liquidation Sale Everything Must Go sign out front? The indications are all there: A) I don’t really have time to write the way I want to write B) I’m not in a position right now to make my blog better (where’s a DeVry Institute around here so I can sign up for Photoshop for Dummies?) C) I’m asleep by nine thirty D) The riches have not exactly rolled in. I’m still waiting to buy a new electric egg beater with my $59.99 of blog earnings.
I’m hoping this is just a temporary impasse that will clear up as soon as I land some kind of childcare for Katie. But I’m also not in a big rush to usher her off to a sitter. June started going to a sitter at two months old after because I was up to my eyeballs in work. I don’t regret that. It was what it was; I do what I have to do, but at the same time, I kinda miss that time with her when she was just a little peanut. I don’t want to pack Katie off to the sitter if there’s not a dire need for her to be there.
I love being a stay-at-home mom for now even as I’m wracked with guilt for not producing. Isn’t that the way it goes? I feel guilty when making money because I’m not there for the girls. I feel guilty when I’m not making money because I love to work (for money) and don’t feel like myself when I don’t have some kind of paycheck. See? You can’t win. Moral of the story, boys and girls: You can’t win.
And now to go drink some white wine on ice.