The case of the growing can

As some of you know, I’m pregnant — 4 months as of this week. And like many pregnant women before me, I’ve been fighting this irrational fear of getting fat. I know, I know: “You’re pregnant, you dumb freak. You’re supposed to get fat.”

I teach a Pilates class here in town and one of my regular students pulled me aside last night and said, “Giiiiiirl, you getting an ass!”

$&*%!

“Ha ha, you funny!” I played it off like it was the most natural, normal thing in the world. But as soon as I got home, I gave my posterior a thorough once-over in the mirror and, yep, mama is growing a can.

I’ve become one of those RIDIC women who pester their husbands with questions like, “Honey,am I getting fat? Do these pants make me look fat?”

Jake: “(Sigh).” Goes outside, communes with nature.

I’ve had a few people ask me, “So. Have you had any of those weirdo pregnancy cravings?” And I’m like, “No. Nothing except for orange juice and more fruit.” And they respond, “Oh. You’re one of those people.” Those people, meaning one of those mental anorexic freak-baskets I usually make fun of.

But when I really started thinking about it…..maybe I am succumbing to pregnancy cravings. The other night, I bought, then inexplicably  proceeded to eat something called Jell-O Oreo Cookies – N – Cream Instant Pudding and a canister of Pringles. Even Jake was like, “What are you doing? I can smell the chemicals from here.”

Mystery of the growing ass: Solved.

Tagged as: pregnant