NEW COLUMN! Pregnant neurosis of the week

I’m introducing a new column that chronicles the magical roller coaster ride that is pregnancy:  Roids, constipation, fiber intake, low back pain, the works!

Two nights ago, I awoke to prolonged stomach cramps that were so severe I thought I was having a miscarriage. What to Expect When You’re Expecting says cramping for an entire day could be a sign of miscarriage, and I was convinced I had cramped for at least 10-12 hours, so Jake and I hightailed it to the doctor’s office as soon as possible.

Well, I’m happy to share the baby — who is 17 weeks old — is fine. We heard a strong heartbeat. The doctor checked out my plumbing and everything is in working order. Go me.

So why the cramping? Apparently — here comes the collective eye roll — my stomach muscles are too tight.

Me, 17 weeks pregnant. (Okay, not exactly.)

I teach Pilates. I’ve been doing Pilates for many years. Everything I’ve ever read says that experienced Pilates students don’t have to stop doing core work when pregnant. So….I didn’t. I didn’t even scale back. I’ve been doing the 100s, the roll ups, roll overs, jack knifes, teasers with the best of them! That’s right, bring your A-game, Jillian Michaels! I will crush you in a Crunch Off!

Jillian Michaels, ab hero.

Except there’s only one problem: The baby wants to bust out and grow but my tectonic abdominal muscle fibers are so tight, they’re locking the little bugger in place. My body is working against itself. It’s a battle of wills between my muscles and my baby.  And  so far, the baby is kicking my ass by putting me on the doctor’s table.

The neurosis part:  Is this a metaphor for our future relationship? Me, all toned and disciplined like an old piece of gristle while my child struggles to blossom in an atmosphere of self-deprivation and denial? Am I going to be a crap mom, like some militant image/fitness-obsessed Mommie Dearest?

Baby, I apologize to you now. And I will try to lay off my power house.