During last night’s birthing class, we had to watch a DVD of a woman laboring au natural (without pain medication) for hours and hours and hours. She looked like she was in absolute misery — grunting, groaning, wailing, and she was buck naked — while her husband, who I noticed was wearing a three wolf moon t-shirt (see below), “coached” her by cupping her face and boring his eyeballs into her forehead like a wizard trying to put her under a spell.
Her stomach was so big it looked like it was about to burst. I swear I could see little elbows and legs jutting just below the epidermis. At one point the doctor tried to say something to her; she told him to stop talking, her head lolling in her chest. And she looked like she had a missing tooth. (I think it was a local production.) After about 20 hours, the baby still hadn’t dropped into position, so they had to perform a cesarean, which they showed, incision, extraction and all.
On the way home, I was very quiet. I felt nauseous, actually. I felt my stomach cramping and my hip flexors gripping, and my tailbone was inexplicably sore.
Jake asked, “So….are you ready?”
“Uh…..not….exactly. But I guess there’s no turning this train around now.”
“Nope. But you’ll be fine. I know you will.”
“Just promise me one thing. Promise me you won’t wear a three wolf moon t-shirt into the delivery room. Promise me you’ll keep my hair brushed. Promise me you won’t let me hobble around the labor room with my lady parts hanging out for every orderly passing by to see. I’d like to keep a measure of decorum if at all possible.”
Jake laughed. “I don’t think you’re going to care what you look like when you’re in labor.”
“True, that’s why I leave it to you to make sure I don’t transform into a feral animal. And if they ask if you want to see the baby’s head crowning, you say no, okay?”
“I don’t think you’re going to care, hon.”
“But I will afterward. So you say no, alright?”
“Alright, if that’s what you want.”
“The whole business seems so….messy and violent to me. I don’t get where the “beauty of childbirth’ comes in.”
“You don’t think seeing our daughter take her first breath won’t be beautiful? That’s what makes the whole thing worth it. They don’t call it labor for nothing. You have to go through the darkness to get to the light.”
I wanted to say then he should probably have the baby and I could coach him in my three wolf moon t-shirt, but I didn’t want to seem facetious. So I kept quiet. We didn’t talk much for the rest of the ride home.
When I climbed into bed that night, I noticed he had taped one of the handouts from the class to the mirror.
All original content © 2012 by Jessie Knadler
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
What a terrible video to show a first time mother. Talk about fear factor. Yes, that “could” happen but not necessarily. I know that you’ll do fine however you choose to labor. You dig ditches, build fences, tend chickens, plant gardens, and teach Pilates. I have no doubts that if 85% (totally random estimation) of the female population can successfully birth a baby than you can too! No, it’s not easy or fun but hopefully you can look back on it afterward and wonder what all the fuss was about. Or at least look back and see that for all the fuss you got a perfect little baby out of it.
hahaha you are a funny lady. So was the author of this review of your favorite wolf shirt on amazon.com:
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.
OK, that was not a great video to show during a pregnancy class. I don’t think that should be something to show in any class, for anything, ever.
Are you going for the whole natural thing? Is that why they showed it?
And let me just say that you have a wonderful husband. I remember feeling the same way – the whole thing is messy, whether it be a natural delivery or a c-section. And i remember that I would almost try to pick a fight with my husband for about 9 months. Like i could argue my way out of being pregnant. But he was always nice to me, no matter what I said, and I love him for it.
Hey, you fought off a satanic rooster daily. You can handle this.
you wont be surprised to know that nivi was considering buying this same shirt for ME to wear while i was in labor. he didn’t end up buying it. i brought a ton of clothes to the hospital, including a long black american apparel shirt to labor in because the stupid childbirth class people said it sucks to wear the hospital gown. you feel so much like a “patient.” but you know what? i wore that hospital gown for 24 hours because I DIDN’T CARE WHAT I WAS WEARING IT HURT SO MUCH AND I WAS HAVING A BABY AND HAD MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT! i think the term “childbirth educator” should be banned. am i bitter? not at all.
P: Fashionable minds think alike.
You’ll be totally fine JK, seriously.
I was scared right up until week 40 with Max but week 41 I didn’t care just as long as I wasn’t pregnant anymore!
what I am trying to say is your mind will kick in and help you get through it. Those videos suck, I watched one and swore and declared I would NEVER have my legs up in the air on stirps BUT I did and I really didn’t care at the time. Your a tough, strong woman, you are just forgetting it right about now
CB: I have a hard time picturing you with your legs in stirrups. So thanks for the visual. Ha ha!
I just got a Pyramid Collection catalog in the mail yesterday (who knows why) so I think I’ll buy you and Jake matching wolf shirts for the big event. Then you can cut out the wolves and make a quilt so your daughter will always have something tangible from the day she was born.
Yeah, I agree with Camilla, by the time you’re 9 months you’ll just be ready to have a baby instead of a baby bump.
K: What do you mean, “who knows why” you received the Pyramid Collection. Because you’re a lusty wench, that’s why! C’mon! A three wolf moon quilt, I like that!
I did seven hours of labour without drugs and seven with an epidural, and seriously, GET THE EPIDURAL. Nobody needs to experience that kind of pain and you need to save your strength for the end when you have to push the little sucker out. You ain’t gonna get a trophy for doing it with no drugs.
I have to agree with your husband when you are in labor you really don’t care about things( at least for me)just when is it over but it isn’t really that horrible. When I had my first son and you are hooked to the machine that measures your labor, my husband was watching it and he told me ” Hon you are having a contraction right now” I could have killed him at that moment, like really I would of never known if you hadn’t told me. I probably would have jumped up and hit him at that moment but I thought that could possibly cause me more pain.
Teri: That is so funny! I hope you’ve never let your husband live it down.
I was on bed rest for the 2 months leading up to the “magic moment.” I would just like to say, DO NOT WATCH A BABY STORY! Similar to your child-birthing videos…it scared the crap out of me. The calm doctor would be in the hallway on camera saying, “she is doing really well!” and the mommy-to-be would be in the background screaming at the top of her lungs in pain. ARGH!
Jessie, the epidural doesn’t hurt the baby and lets be honest, you aren’t getting a cookie for going through that pain. Because your body can relax, it often will speed up the labor process. You will be able to focus on the excitement of meeting June instead of the pain. I am a firm believer that the epidural fixes everything. I am going to start injecting my cooking with it! I figure it can only help. Love your blog!
Hi Allie: Wait, you don’t get a cookie? That’s settled then — no natural childbirth for me. Bring on the epidural. Can’t wait to meet Ashlyn.