Somebody bust out the mystickal vortex stones because I just received the latest issue of The Pyramid Collection, the catalog for ladies who never leave the house without a pack of tarot cards.

What’s awesome about the Pyramid Collection is that it caters to gals who believe they were born in the wrong time, the wrong world, in the wrong meridian—or me after hitting The Dollar General on a Saturday.

PC caters to Wiccans, goths, steampunks, faeries, vampyrresses and sensuous tavern wenches.  Its pages are a mystical storybook of magick, fantasy and sensuality where prices rarely top $140. It’s for dreamweavers on a budget, in other words.

I’ve selected a few of my favorite winter picks:

A sumptuous Sorcerer’s Cloak ($120) for metaphysicians who command attention and respect. Not to toot my jouster’s bugle, but that’s pretty much me in a nutshell. I’d like to wear this cloak with the hood on then wait for Jake to come down to the Hen Hut to lock up the chickens for the night;  I’d emerge from the darkness with a raven perched on my shoulder….only it would be a chicken.

And these business casual witches heels ($49.95) would adorn my feet.

I wonder if I could get Jake to wear these creepy clicky vampire slippers for men ($59.95). Then again, they look like they’re from Payless’s Halloween collection; they look so cheap and plastic, only the dead could probably comfortably wear them.

Would Hot Topic sell these foot coffins? I don’t think so.

Don’t laugh, but I actually kind of like the Innkeeper’s Daughter’s dress ($140). It looks relatively well-made, and it features a cross-laced cincher!!!! For showing off my lusty bodice.

I’m all about affirmational plaques with which to adorn my castle, and this one caught my eye:

Isn’t that the truth?

I’ll tell you a moment that took my breath away: When I stumbled upon a spread buried in the middle of the catalog devoted to sexual aids and two erotic DVDs called Totally Nude Aerobics and Totally Nude Yoga & Tai Chi.

What the….?

I didn’t think goddess wiccans watched earthly porn. I thought they writhed naked around a campfire in the moonlight.  WHO is this catalog for again? Men or women? Or in the metaphysical ether of The Pyramid Collection, is it assumed mystics and faeries swing both ways?