Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

A Poem: I hate this truck

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

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I hate this truck

I hate this truck because it’s so redneck

Like a can of chewing tobacco on wheels

Like a turkey fryer on a flatbed

Like a pet ferret with manual transmission

And it’s parked in my driveway

Purchased by my husband two weeks before the birth of our first child

Under the pretext of needing it to “improve efficiency”

For hauling heavy machinery from fencing job to fencing job

My ass

My reputation

My husband

Who might be a redneck

That’s what it’s come to

Granted, he bought it used

Pre-accessorized with all kinds of whimsical redneck flourishes

Like chrome “cow mobiling” mud flaps

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And chrome-plated door handles

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That look like they came out of a Cracker Jack box

No further proof is needed

Of my rural hell

Except for maybe this

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It’s a muffler

That’s really

REALLY

Loud

Somewhere nearby a cardinal slowly dies

Strangled by the sound of the muffler’s torturous roar

As this truck still idles in my driveway

Waiting for its new owner to tame its lusty needs

(and strip away some of its redneck cheese)

(I hope)

While his wife must make due with Walmart’s

House brand Raisin Bran

And other bits of off-brand grocery

The End.

Out of gas

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Logo_BP

Jake has this policy of refueling only when a vehicle is on empty.

Like, the meter dangles in the red and the remaining gas mileage count on the dashboard reads “0.”  That’s right: “Zero.”

There have been a few occasions where we’ve literally rolled into a gas station on fumes because my husband – I do love him so — insists refueling any sooner than that “wastes time” and “compromises efficiency.”   He says you end up making more aggregate stops in the long term if you refuel everytime the guage hits the halfway point. And that, he says, adds up to a lot of wasted time.

Question 1: Is he talking about over the course of a lifetime?

Question 2: Who gives a sh*&?

I think he picked up this habit during his deployment to Iraq where it actually made sense to stop and refuel only when absolutely necessary. Like, in a convoy of Humvees driving along a desert highway in enemy territory. Point taken. Extraneous stops means easy target for incoming WMD. Gotcha.

But in Virginia? Where Sheetz and Chevrons are as ubiquitous as cow turds?

Oh, we have battled royally over this issue. It literally makes me tear my hair out, flames shooting out of my head, as he blithely pulls into a Chevron station, the last droplet of gas expelled about, oh, two miles ago. And the worst part?  He seems to take a puerile glee in pushing his wife’s comfort, safety and sunny personality to the absolute razor’s edge. When I wave my arms in wild protest, he’ll turn to me and say something completely outrageous like, “Yeah, but we didn’t run out of gas, did we? Oh lookee here, I’m coasting up to a pump right now!  See, improved efficiency! Turn that frown upside down, hon!”

I mention this because….well, I’m not really sure why I’m mentioning it because the remainder of the story makes me look bad.  But there is a moral of sorts at the end.

I had to go to the doctor today.  As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed the reader said there was 25 miles worth of gas in the tank. Fine, I thought, I’ll fill up on my way out of town.  (I should mention that the doctor’s office is an hour away.) After the appointment, I got in the car, drove to the stoplight and noticed the gas gauge had already dropped to 15 miles.   Curious.   I didn’t see a gas station.  So I drove out of town toward the interstate and….still no gas station.

The reader dropped to 10 miles.

“Crap!” I said to Sunny, who rode shotgun.

We continued driving. I opted to stay on the highway  because I wasn’t sure I’d run into a gas station within 10 miles of getting on the Interstate.  And I REALLY didn’t want to run out of gas on the Interstate.

Then the reader dropped to 5 miles.

“Crap! Crap!” I yelled.

The highway turned out not to be a gateway toward shimmering suburban sprawl, which I’d hoped, but a rural country road dotted with nothing but horse farms and fancy houses. In other words, I wasn’t in Sheetz territory.

When the reader dropped to 0, I started to panic.

“Crap! I’m 8 months pregnant! I have a dog in the car! I’m on a highway to nowhere. CRAP!!!”

I called Jake, and tried to explain the situation.  I thought for sure he’d gloat about the irony of ME running out of gas, so I was all ready to lay the ole, “But I’m 8 months pregnant!” excuse on him. But he didn’t go there.  What a nice husband.  He told me to turn around toward town and coast as much as possible until I found a gas station.

“And you know I’ve let that thing run down to below zero, and we’ve never run out of gas so you SHOULD be okay.”

Yeah, been there. Experienced that.

So I turned around and literally COASTED back toward town.  The entire time I envisioned my very pregnant self hitchhiking with a dog in tow, asking motorists to spare a gas can.

On my way in, I noticed a highway sign advertising a gas station up ahead. As I got closer to the sign, I noticed it was the BP logo.  Blurgh.  What could I do?  I had no choice.

I had to get my gas at BP, killer of clams, polluter of wetlands, destroyer of ecosystems.

See, there are other reasons besides “improved efficiency” for filling up at the halfway point.

Ryan Phillippe, hard cider and sunk costs

Thursday, May 20th, 2010
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There is no reason for this image to be here other than it cracks me up

The other night Jake was bottling hard pear cider in the designated brew room and I heard him exclaim, “Blugh! This cider tastes like crap.”

I went over to check out what he was doing.  He looked at me with a tortured expression and thrust a bottle in my face. “Here, drink this.”

“Um, isn’t that a little like you telling me to ’smell your finger?’” I asked. “No thanks.”

“I don’t know what happened,” he remarked, taking another long draw. “But it tastes awful.”

“Then why do you keep drinking it?” I asked. I noticed a long row of capped bottles on the counter. “And more importantly, why do you keep bottling it?”

“Because I’ve invested a lot of time and effort in this cider, babe,” he said as he capped another bottle. “I climbed the tree to pick the pears. Friends helped me pick them.  It took a long time to juice them. I carried 30 pounds of peels to feed to the chickens. I’ve been monitoring and fermenting the juice since November.  I can’t toss it now.”

“Even though you know the cider sucks?” I asked. “Sounds like a sunk cost to me.”

Sunk costs sometimes cause people to make bad choices. Because we’ve already invested so much time, effort or money in a particular endeavor — be it in the stock market, a job, a relationship, or, in Jake’s case, forcing himself to bottle sucky cider — we have a tendency to stick with that choice, even though switching courses may be more beneficial to us in the long run since it frees us up to make better choices instead.  Think of the investor who refuses to dump an abysmally performing stock even though all signs point to a continued decline in its market value. Or slogging through a book or a movie you actually hate because giving up is a validation of all that wasted time and effort.

I remembered a few months ago, Jake and I were watching the actor Ryan Phillippe bastardize a Dutch accent in a sucky film called Five Fingers on Netflix, and about a half hour into it, I looked at Jake and said, “This movie is a sunk cost. I’m going to bed. I’ll get more satisfaction from leafing through a Land’s End catalog. Care to join?”

“Nope,” he said. “I started Five Fingers, I’m gonna finish it.”

“Even though we both know you hate it as much as I do?”

“Yep.”

As I lay in bed that night, I was secretly pleased with myself for having made the hard choice to cut my losses, to nullify my irritation over watching Ryan Phillippe try to act for the more serene pleasure of perusing crewneck shift dresses in a Land’s End catalog. I felt like a prudent investor. Jake, meanwhile, seemed like an irrational, overly emotionally invested one.

I mentioned this episode as Jake bottled the sucky cider, and reminded him that when he did finally climb into bed at 1 a.m. that night, he himself admitted the movie was a waste of time.

“Don’t you think that bottling this cider is a little like watching Five Fingers?”

“Maybe, but the problem with your sunk cost theory is that it makes a person a fair weather friend,” he said. “A sunk cost person gives up. When things don’t go as planned, a sunk cost person bails. That’s not a good strategy for success.”

“Drinking cider that tastes like donkey piss isn’t a good strategy for success either,” I said. “Some goes for enduring Ryan Phillippe for two hours. You could make the decision to dump this cider down the drain right now and allocate your time and energy and resources toward making a fresh batch that tastes better.”

“But I can’t waste all those pears,” he said. “Goes against my nature.”

“So…by the same logic….are you saying that you’d stay in a bad relationship even though the relationship left you with nothing but a bad taste in your mouth?”

“Yep,” he said. “I don’t give up when the going gets tough.”

“But isn’t that also a little disingenuous?” I asked. “You end up not being 100 percent true to your own feelings, or the other person’s.”

“But I’d never leave you, hon.”

“Even though you might be totally miserable inside?”

“We’d work through it.”

The conversation was getting too hypothetically deep for my liking, so I let the matter drop.  But it made me wonder — is it really better to pour the proverbial cider down the drain, or force oneself to drink it, like Jake?  Which act is more sincere?

What a team

Monday, April 26th, 2010

I helped wire up my first barn yesterday.

Translation: I assisted Jake in running electricity and lights to a barn he just finished building.

Some of our handiwork

See those light boxes? I helped install those.

I haven’t been to work with my husband for several months since the last time I attempted to help him on the job almost resulted in me not speaking to him for two days.  The problem is that Jake becomes galled and annoyed and surprised that I can’t keep up with him on the job (side note: this is a man who expects employees to only pack food they can eat with one hand while swinging a hammer in the other — he’s pretty much a slave driver) and I become vexed and irritable that he expects me — a hapless writer person — to know how to operate pneumatic nail guns and Bobcat bulldozers and ration my usual snack quota for the day.

But I’m 7 months pregnant; me not being able to keep up with him is writ large.

Exhibit A: Diminished productivity. Now where are my Funyuns?

Exhibit A: Diminished productivity. Where are my Funyuns?

There’s no feigning dismay over my ineptitude on construction sites.  Accordingly, Jake was a picture of loving patience all day yesterday. And I was a helpful companion. He let me take a 30 minute break. And sit down when I needed to. And eat my lunch with both hands. And take as many bathroom breaks as I required. It was great. I felt like we were in Cabo.

We made a great team. We actually enjoyed ourselves. We laughed. We teased the dogs unmercifully. It made me think I might be able to work with him more if I was knocked up all the time.

Cowboy hard at work

Cowboy hard at work

Sunny absolutely petrified at the notion she might have to wield a hack saw. Sunny, I know how you feel.

Sunny petrified at the notion she might have to wield a hack saw. Sunny, I know how you feel.

War games

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
Jake in Iraq in 2005

Jake in Iraq in 2005

My husband, a captain in the army reserves, is leaving to go, as he says, “blow stuff up” somewhere in the south.

His unit gets to spend four days launching missiles at tanks, firing semiautomatic weapons of every description and tossing grenades like a game of hot potato. Sounds like every dude’s dream weekend.

Every time he goes away on these quickie weekend deployments, I can’t help but wonder when — not if — he’s going to get called up again. We generally refrain from discussing this subject unless we have to, but it’s always looming, however faintly, overhead.   He’s already served a year and a half in Iraq, and he deployed for six months a year and a half ago to head a basic training unit at a base in Kentucky. I can’t help but wonder if it’s only a matter of time before his ticket gets punched for Afghanistan.

Jake’s commitment to the army used to trouble me because I couldn’t quite square up how it was conducive to raising a family.  But I’ve since had to accept that marriage — or love, for that matter — isn’t necessarily convenient.   You take the good with the bad and the inconvenient.

In the meantime, I’ll keep my fingers crossed he doesn’t have to go anywhere too soon….especially since we have a baby on the way.  But if he has to go, he has to go. I’m resigned to my fate as — and it still shocks me to say this — an army wife.

Though being an army wife does have it’s privileges:   I once got to shoot a semiautomatic AR-15 at a Barbie doll.  Disintegrated it.

The soundtrack of marriage

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

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Jake and I went to the see the film Crazy Heart, starring Jeff Bridges and Maggie Gyllenhaal, over the weekend, and I think it’s the first movie we’ve ever seen together that we both actually liked.  We rarely, if ever, agree on a movie. Jake is a particularly tough critic. He thinks every film — from Crash to Lord of the Rings to Adventure Land — is “cheesy.”  I think it’s because he’s such a purist in his soul, any suggestion of pretense or emoting on film — you know, acting — turns him off. He’d rather be outside shoveling something anyway.

But we both really liked Crazy Heart. Not, it must be noted, for the plot — which is the ol’ cliche narrative in which a down-on-his luck, alcoholic music star — Bad Blake — meets and falls for a winsome and conspicuously MUCH YOUNGER woman capable of unlocking his bottled-up potential. Gag me with a pitch fork.

It’s obvious this film was written and directed by a dude. Not only is there an almost offensive age difference between the actors but you can practically smell Bad Blake’s bourbon-laced vomit breath as he goes in to kiss his otherwise polished and professional girlfriend. C’mon!!! Like we’re supposed to believe someone as put together as Maggie Gyllenhaal would fall for  someone who spends half the movie throwing up in trash cans and walking around with his belt unfastened (not because he’s a perv, but because he’s too bloated from the booze to fit his jeans anymore).

No, we liked the film because of the music. The soundtrack is made up of tracks that have served as a backdrop to our entire relationship.  You know how every marriage has a soundtrack; a style of music you both bond over? For some, it’s 60s folk like Bob Dylan. For others, 70s soul or 80s classic rock. Ours is outlaw country. I never thought I even liked country before I met Jake, but it’s the music we fell in love to, it’s the music we still dine to every night, and this is the first film we’ve ever seen where “our music” takes center stage: Waylon Jennings,  Buck Owens, George Jones, Kitty Wells, even newcomer Ryan Bingham. I don’t even listen to outlaw country on my own — I gravitate toward electronic music or hard psychedelic rock like Queens of the Stone Age, while Jake, bless him, tends to go for noxious “new country” (though he’ll deny it if you ask him!).

But when we’re together, it’s only outlaw country.

There’s a scene in the film where Bad Blake is gearing up to perform at an outdoor arena and he’s walking through the asphalt-covered back lot where gleaming trucks and trailers are parked and men are hauling around rigging equipment. Waylon Jenning’s classic “Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way?” comes blasting through the theater in surround sound. It was the first time I’ve ever heard this song LOUD and I swear it almost took my breath away. Jake squeezed my hand. We looked at each other and I knew he was thinking the same thing: THIS is a kick-ass song.

The case of the growing can

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

As some of you know, I’m pregnant — 4 months as of this week. And like many pregnant women before me, I’ve been fighting this irrational fear of getting fat. I know, I know: “You’re pregnant, you dumb freak. You’re supposed to get fat.”

I teach a Pilates class here in town and one of my regular students pulled me aside last night and said, “Giiiiiirl, you getting an ass!”

$&*%!

“Ha ha, you funny!” I played it off like it was the most natural, normal thing in the world. But as soon as I got home, I gave my posterior a thorough once-over in the mirror and, yep, mama is growing a can.

I’ve become one of those RIDIC women who pester their husbands with questions like, “Honey,am I getting fat? Do these pants make me look fat?”

Jake: “(Sigh).” Goes outside, communes with nature.

I’ve had a few people ask me, “So. Have you had any of those weirdo pregnancy cravings?” And I’m like, “No. Nothing except for orange juice and more fruit.” And they respond, “Oh. You’re one of those people.” Those people, meaning one of those mental anorexic freak-baskets I usually make fun of.

But when I really started thinking about it…..maybe I am succumbing to pregnancy cravings. The other night, I bought, then inexplicably  proceeded to eat something called Jell-O Oreo Cookies – N – Cream Instant Pudding and a canister of Pringles. Even Jake was like, “What are you doing? I can smell the chemicals from here.”

Mystery of the growing ass: Solved.

What’s that smell?

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

One of the byproducts of being pregnant:  I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my sense of smell.

Because last night Jake and I were down in the basement moving our freshly butchered deer meat into the freezer when suddenly his lip curled around his nostril as he asked, “Ugh, do you smell that?”

Me: “What?”

Jake: “That! That smell.”

Me: (sniff, sniff) “Nope. What’s it smell like?”

Jake: “Like decomposing mice. Or rotten meat. Ugh—how can you not smell that?”

Me: “Dunno. Smells like a spring day down here to me.”

Then we looked to the side and noticed Jake had accidentally left two packages of pork sausage and bacon from our freshly slaughtered pig out overnight. They’d been decaying near the wood stove for approximately 24 hours. They had gone off in a big way. Not that I could detect any of this. I even put my nose to the putrid products and caught a whiff of nothing.

I probably should be concerned, but I’m not. To be quite honest, I don’t really want to smell. I’m weary of smelling. I have smell fatigue. Especially after I’ve eaten a bowl of pork vindaloo and spinach dal with a heavy emphasis on curry, like what I plan to make for dinner tonight.

I will bring my husband to his knees.

Chores and chains

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Last night Jake came home from work to find me half-lying on the couch, half-lying on the floor with a blank, Zombie-like expression on my face , hands around my head like a lifeless puppet, as I asked, “Now, why do we live here again?”

Sensing one of my moods a-brewing, he quickly changed the subject by inviting me to join him in his 7,000-ton (thereabouts) Freightliner hauling truck to pick up his Bobcat at a job site on the other end of the county. It was pitch black outside and the temperature was brisk.

Now, when Jake invites me on these “togetherness” excursions, I’ve learned to decipher the subtext: Chores. He needs help in some excruciating hellish manual labor task usually involving chains or saws and diesel fuel.   I politely said “no thanks.” But he insisted: “It’ll be fun.”

Skeptical, but needing a break from the confines of my writer’s prison, I agreed. Sure enough, we drove to the middle of a field in the middle of some farm in the pitch black night, and we had to load all of his construction equipment onto the back of his trailer. Jake has learned to have very low expectations for me in these situations, so last night he was as caring and compassionate as an orderly in an old folk’s home.  Which I greatly appreciated.

But eventually, he needed my help strapping down chains to secure his zillion-ton Bobcat into place.

To tighten a chain, a wench-like device is used (I think that’s what it’s called). You have to crank this apparatus in two different directions with both hands in order to take the friction out of the chain. It’s physical work.

As Jake merrily winched away, I stood by him, half my face covered by a scarf, counting the minutes before we could return to the warmth of the truck’s cabin. He looked at me shivering and asked:

“Do you want to take a turn cranking the chain?”

Me: “Not particularly.”

Jake (huge grin on his face): “Oh, come on. It’s good exercise. It’ll be fun.”

There was no getting out of using the fun winch, and truth was, a little movement would do my carcass some good. I took the chain cranker in my cold and hands and begin cranking it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Before long I was panting. Funny how rivulets of pleasure did not course through my veins upon doing so.

Jake: “It’s fun, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s like Christmas.”

And I realized that little exchange encapsulated all of our differences. Jake will forever think cranking chains is a barrel of laughs. I will forever think it’s not. Yet we’re inseparable all the same.

Marriage is kind of funny like that, how two people can have such wildly oppossing ideas of “fun” and still not be able to live without each other.

Chicken humping! I’m home!

Thursday, October 29th, 2009
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Jake moved the hen hut to border the vegetable garden. We put it there so the chickens can aerate the soil, eat larvae, and leave lots of nitrogen-rich droppings which will hopefully make for a fertile garden next summer.

I’m back in Virginia. Back home to the dogs, chickens and the adorable huzz.  Two things have happened since I’ve been away:

1. The roosters are now officially crowing with authority. No longer do they sound like nerdy preadolescents on the cusp of puberty, trying to gain respect using the most wobbly of windpipes. Now when they crow, they mean it. In fact, today was the first day we were both officially awakended by our own roosters. It was 5:30 a.m.. We have three roosters. It was a freaking racket.

He crows. He humps. What a cock.

He crows. He humps. What a cock.

2. Perhaps as a direct result of their newly mature crowing capabilities, the roosters have also graduated to mounting the hens. Have you ever seen two chickens humping?  It’s a brutal business.  It happened this morning down in the garden, right between our feet. A hen was minding her own business, pecking at the dirt, when one of the roosters seized her back with his claws, pinned her by the neck with his beak and forced himself into her business. It was awful and violent and, come to think of it, sort of reminded me of the scene in Mad Men when Joan gets raped by her fiance. Thankfully, the act was over in three seconds or so.  (Ha! That rooster was a two pump chump!! Jerk!) The hen scampered away. She kept trying to crane her neck around as if trying to find out what the heck happened back there. The rooster, meanwhile, strutted proudly.

I shrieked while Jake just shrugged.  Typical!

And now I am officially home.


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