I can’t function in the cold. All of my faculties — if you can call them that, but I think it’s more like my joie de vivre — go into remission. I don’t even like to speak. I’ve foregone the pretense of wearing cosmetics. My complexion: pasty. I’m sitting at my desk right now wearing a winter parka zipped to the neck, fingerless gloves, farmer boots and a black ski mask. I’d post a picture but there’s a good chance the FBI would show up at my door.

Right now, I can hear Jake outside my window laughing gayly….he’s actually frolicking with the dogs like it was the Fourth of July or something.  I’d look but it’s too painful.

I thought Virginia wasn’t supposed to be cold. New York is cold. Montana is cold. North Dakota is cold. But Virginia is supposed to be SOUTHERN i.e. brisk in December, not frostbite weather. Yet it’s been in the low 30s for the past week (weeks? months? I’ve lost count). Nighttime temperatures hover in the single digits.

I bide my time until April.